My furniture is being held hostage in Maryland.

After five years of working for the gov't in Maryland, I am returning to my roots (and my accent) at the University of Mississippi to pursue a PhD in Math Education. The decision to do so was difficult, the weeks of heartfelt goodbyes to friends and coworkers were even harder; but apparently none of these tasks was as arduous as the task my movers had of finding their way from Abingdon, MD (where the warehouse lives) to Oxford, MS (where I now live).

I wanted professional movers to handle my physical relocation. (As I used to tell the girls at The Junior League, "No, I don't have children; I have antique furniture.") I contacted a national moving chain (whom I soon came to know as, "The Liars"); and soon, a rep from a local contracting company (whom I have since deemed, "The Frontmen") came to my house to give me an estimate on the cost of my move. The rep gave me an estimate of 4-7 days from the time of departure to the time of delivery. Super! Wonderful! That gave me time to get to Mississippi, close on the house, start my new job, line the new closet shelves, and be ready to greet the moving crew with bottles of water and energy beverage of their choice. (After all, I'm from The South - I have to be hospitable to the poor men I'm forcing to haul my furniture around in 90 degree heat with 100 percent humidity.)

On moving day, my belongings "temporarily" went to live at The Frontmen's warehouse to wait to be loaded onto The Liars' mega-truck with other partial loads to be delivered (within the next 4-7 days, obviously). When a suitable set of caring parents (I.e., a truck and a driver) were matched with my longing-to-be-adopted household goods, I would be contacted with a more precise date and means of contacting said driver.

My furniture left Annapolis, Maryland on June 22. I left Annapolis, Maryland on June 23. I arrived in Mississippi on June 23. I did not make the trip in 16 straight hours for the sake of challenging The Liars to an "Amazing Race" type duel; but in the process, I did prove the existance of a path between Maryland and Mississippi. (QED.)

I called The Frontmen almost every day and received the same answer, "No, I'm sorry; we haven't assigned a driver to your shipment yet. But we will keep checking and let you know as soon as we know anything." As soon as it became obvious that, 16-hour marathon drive or no 16-hour marathon drive, my goods were NOT getting to Mississippi by that 7-day end range, I was given an option to talk to The Liars customer service line, which I did.

As with most customer service lines, this was a professional stall technique employed by The Liars to keep me busy thinking I was making headway, while in reality they were presumably building playforts out of all my boxes in the Frontmen's warehouse. In the meantime, The Liars offered to put me up at a local hotel and pay a certain percentage of my food costs. Good of them, yes; but (a) I'd rather have my stuff (b) there ain't no Marriott in Oxford, MS.

After 3 or 4 more days of "hospitably" calling, politely querying the status of my move, and repeatedly thanking my customer service rep (aka, my "Personal Staller") for his time and assistance, I was informed that my goods had been assigned to a truck. At last! When? Personal Staller's response: July 9th.

July 9th?... July 9th??!! My furniture that was supposed to be here at latest on June 29 isn't even leaving Maryland 'til July 9? In one giant exhale/inhale of breath, out went the last of my politeness and in rushed all the pent up frustration and rage of a Southern Belle who has been pushed past the fringes of hospitality. "Whaddya' mean July 9th? Mih stuff was s'posed to be here lahst week, and yer tellin' me it ain't leavin' Marylan' 'til JOO-LIE NIHNTH?" (My accent gets a lot thicker when I'm really upset.)

Personal Staller, clearly startled by my turn of tone, paused noticeably and stumbled, "Um, um... yes, July 9th..." to which I responded, "No, no - you listen here: this is UN-AC-CEPTABLE; and yall'd better do somethin' real quick, or else I'm about ready to tell y'all to just give me my money back; and I will come back up to Mar'lan' and rent a truck and haul it back down here myself. I made it from Mar'lan' to Miss'ssippi in ONE DAY; I KNOW it can be done!"

As a "customer service rep", it was understandable that Personal Staller himself could not do anything to expedite my situation, so I asked him (politely) to give me to somebody who "might could". He checked, and his supervisor was "not available at that time" (cowards), but he would have her call me. To my surprise, she did call me back and recited the traditional lines of "we are experiencing problems with logistics and transportation, and we apologize for the inconvenience; but there is nothing we can do." I tried everything from tears to threats of going door-to-door to warn people about The Liars and their evil ways (I grew up in The Bible Belt; I know how to hand out a tract or two), but it was to no avail. I hung up with her, ranted to a few friends, and then sat down to well-deserved rest-of-the-day sulk about it.

The Liars claim my stuff will leave Maryland next Tuesday. When will it get to Mississippi? The moving gods (whom I have clearly angered) only know. In the meantime I will wait at The Hampton Inn (which is quite nice) to be reunited with my antique furniture and European paintings... and the rest of my clothes... and shoes... and handbags... oh my gosh, I'm practically camping...